"Almosts" Can Always Break Your Heart If You Let Them

So much has happened in the last several months I am not ever sure where to start this one. School is almost over for me. I have one more class left and then I am done with my course work. It is so strange because I feel as if I should feel more accomplished. I mean I am almost don't with my masters degree and yet I still feel a little lost with everything. Maybe lost isn't the right word. Maybe I haven't been able to find the right words for what I have been feeling lately and that's the problem.

Student teaching starts soon and I am nervous about that. I know that I have taught before, but it feels different this time. It feels like there is more pressure on me to do well. How are you suppose to know when you are doing the right thing? I love teaching and I love kids, but does that make me a good teacher? Does that make me good at my job? Does that make me prepared to do this job? Yeah I am doubting myself. I am doubting a lot of things lately. I get it that it is a natural thing to doubt, but that doesn't make it easier.

But I am working through it. Well trying to at least. Doubt comes for me because of the "almosts" in my life. Everyone has them, the time you almost passed the test, you almost got the job, you almost got the guy or girl, or you almost found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.(that was funnier in my head)

I am scared to let Boston and everything that has come with it be an "almost" for me. When I first moved here I secretly was hoping that maybe I could make a new life here. Not that I would love the idea of being so far from the people who I love most in my life, but this was a new adventure for me. And now I have fears, fears that I might make this an "almost". For a short moment while I was here I really did consider staying. Wondering what my life would be like if I did and what I would be staying for. But something always kept me from fully committing to stay. Maybe it was God's plan for me to always go back home or maybe I kept myself from fully letting Boston in, but I can only hope that it's God's plan and not my own stubbornness that kept me and Boston at odds. I just don't want to leave here with a heavy heart being afraid that Boston and things here were an "almost" for me.

As of lately all I want to do is get out of here as fast as I possibly can.  But that doesn't have anything to do with these people. I will truly miss them. "The Mother" who runs because she is so stressed if she didn't she would exploded from energy and tension, but you can't help but love her and all her type a-ness. " The "Powerhouse" who I think secretly is actually a lot like me and that's why we spend so much time together, but she puts on that tough guy face when needed. The "Lover" as much as she wants just be free and fight the power she also has a heart as big as the sun and I have never met someone who cares more for her friends than she does. The "Funniest Person I Know" but I don't count her as someone to miss because I will see her in CO all the time I will make sure of it! Don't get me wrong I get to go home and see my besties!!! Which I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am for that!!! But I have met really great girls here and they may not know this or even read this, but I plan on keeping them in my life. I can't promise anything distance is always hard, but friendship has become really important to me this year and I hope they know that. Maybe I should tell them.

I can't say I have no "almosts" here and that is always haunting to know you have an "almost" that you are leaving behind and there is nothing to do about it. You always have one or two and that's always hard. I hate to think of losing people in my life or losing out on moments in my life. It breaks my heart, but I read the other day that sometimes we need to forget some people from our past simple because they just don't belong in our future. I just wish this didn't mean I was leaving an "almost" behind me.

Man these "almosts" could consume me if I let them. But all of this does help me to believe that maybe Boston itself isn't an "almost."  It does help me to be ready to leave and be done here. And I think maybe that's ok. Maybe all of this (for lack of a better term) CRAP that has been going on around me was a needed push out the door so to speak. If we can all say one thing about me it's that I do not deal well with transition and maybe one way to look at all of this "whatever" and these "almosts"  around me are the push and solidification that leaving is what I am suppose to do. Maybe staying was never meant for me.

So those of you who have known me and listened to me complain and moan about Boston being my on again off again boyfriend over the last year I thought this was a fitting song for my break up with Boston. And Boston, I am sorry our relationship has to end. I know we will always be friends and I will come to visit you when I can. We had some good times and a lot of bad times, but you have helped me grow up (even more) and helped me on my path in life to becoming the person I am meant to be, so thanks. We were "almost" a good fit Boston, but just not perfect. Agree to be friends? :)

FYI this is a beautiful song and I am using it in a slightly ridiculous way, but I actually really love this song.

Is it really better to say too much than to never say what you need to say again?

Second semester has begun.  Drama as Ed II is ok. My design class is a lot. I know that I will really benefit from this class, but I am so intimidated by the work. I have never really considered myself an artistic person. Art was my least favorite class in elementary school and now I am paying to take this class. It is good for me to challenge myself I know, but it could be a long semester. And last but not least my Teaching Young Actors class.. What to say about this class? I like the guy who teaches it. I really do. I just don't know if I see where any of this is really going. I want to I really do, but I am having a hard time seeing how this all applies.  This semester is just a little more overwhelming than I expected it to be. I just thought having already been through this for one semester I would be used to it and ready to just jump in and get this finished. Working 20hrs a week probably has not helped. Just lots on my plate, but I am working on it.

Before you read the rest of this, know I was channeling John Mayer and the movie "The Bucket List" It is funny I titled my blog, "Finding Strength in Me." I was hoping that by now after these last 6 months or so I would have been...I don't know... finding it. A friend of mine here in Boston told me the other day I should just say what I need to say. To just let it go and maybe I will feel better. I argued and said that would not be the best because sometimes when you say it then it really is true. You can't deny it then. She told me that was dumb. Then yesterday, I was talking to someone who I hope can help me learn to let go...to let go of stress, anger, of being overwhelmed, and so many other stressful things in my life that I just hold onto. The past. Things that I don't need in my life. So then I began to think. What if you could do that? What if you had one day, just one day to say whatever you wanted without any consequences? To tell everyone everything you think, feel, to tell them everything you want to tell them or have wanted them to tell you. To just let go of everything that you keep locked away (because you think its safer that way) What would happen? 

Sometimes I think about what I would say and how I would say it. Or I think about what people would say to me or what I wish people would say. I live my life very safe and keep most of that locked away. I don't take many risks. Some of my close friends would say I put up walls. Ok, I say I put up walls. But building a wall is not an easy job. Its hard to take something down you have spent so much time building. 

Sometimes it is good to have walls. Hear me out before you judge and roll your eyes at me. If you didn't have walls everything thing in this world would hurt you. "Walls" can be just another word for having tough skin. And yes, I know my walls have become so tall that I don't like to let anything in. Blah blah blah I know. I want to fix that, but how can you tell the moments that you should let your walls down from the moments you should keep them up? Some people have said you follow your heart and I can respect that, but my heart has been wrong before(and I am not just talking relationships here I am talking life.) Something can feel like it fits. It can feel like that is where you are suppose to be, and what you are suppose to be doing, and who you are suppose to be with, but other circumstances keep that fit from being absolutely perfect. So, do you put up a wall and move on to something that could fit better even if in that moment you don't think it exists or do you wait? Do you let go and say what you need to say to possibly get the perfect place, the perfect job, and the perfect person?

I don't know if this is making any sense. I am not even looking for the perfect answer, I know I need to find that out on my own. Before I can do that I guess I need to get a grasp first on what to hold onto and what to let go of. I wonder if there is anybody who has truly figured that out. 

Don't second guess your feelings, they are usually right from the start...I think

Well the semester is coming to an end, finally. Two more weeks of actual classes and then I am done. I have registered for my MTELS so I will start studying for that over the Christmas break (I will be looking for volunteers willing to help me study) . I have registered for my second semester classes, taking a design class that I am not sure what to think about it. Art has never been my forte so we will see. Taking another education class and then a teaching young actors class. I get to keep my job next semester too so that's really great. I like my job. I head to Connecticut this week to go spend Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle. I am so ready to get out of the city. I need to go be with family and just be. I need to let go of school stuff and city stuff and everything else and just let it go for a little while 

I have all of my Christmas shopping done. Maybe one small thing for the kids left, but other than that I am done. I know that sounds crazy since Thanksgiving hasn't even happened, but I already knew what I wanted to get for everyone so I just needed to get it out of the way. Plus, now I don't have to fight holiday shopping crowds. They tend to just make me mad and then I don't enjoy the shopping.

I am mad. Really mad at someone. I haven't told them yet, which for me means that I am now holding it inside only making it worse and getting even more irritated as time goes on. I don't want to be mad at this person, but I am and I don't know how to tell them. Don't know if I should tell them. When you are upset with family its always easy to tell them, because they are your family and they love you even when you get mad at each other, but when it comes to friends it seems to be more challenging sometimes. At least for me it can be.

I don't trust easily. And I don't care for people quickly. I tend to be pretty guarded.  Which some of the people close to me like to remind me of because I like to pretend that I am normal with no issues, but thats why I love them because they keep me grounded. But once I let you in and trust you I trust completely.  When you break that trust with me its hard for me (for anyone really) to find faith in you again. Not impossible, but challenging to say the least. 

This may sound so silly, because its just a friend. But isn't that what makes it hurt the most when you end a relationship. Its not the romantic side that you miss the most that you can always find again, but you miss your friend. In the best of the relationships that person isn't just your romantic interest, but also your friend. 

A friend of mine has hurt me. Nothing of romance, but of friendship. I want to tell this person. I want to scream at them and yell and say mean things to hurt them back, but I wont. Mainly I just want them to know they have hurt me. I don't even know if I am have a right to feel this way. Maybe I am being crazy about it, but I can't help it and this is how I feel. And if I listen to my own advise I would try to remember that they are my feelings so they can't be wrong, but what do I do with them now? Hold them in? Just let go of this friend? A friend I am clearly not ready to lose. Or do I tell them how I am feeling and just let it out and see what happens? Maybe I am not ready to tell this person I don't know, but I hope in the near future I can muster all the confidence I have and tell this person and hope that they will understand where I am coming from. And maybe they will be my friend again. Because I truly hate feeling like I have lost this friendship. Especially when I feel I need my friends the most. 

Re-reading all of this it sounds so foolish, but I can't help it. Feelings are feelings and it's my blog and I will write ridiculous things if I want to( in my mind I said that in similar phrasing to "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to," just FYI) 

Whoever said, "What you don't know can't hurt you," is a liar.

So I need to start this off today by sharing some amazing news with all of you. I will officially be done living in Boston on July 16th, 2012! I am so excited I can't even begin to explain it. I originally had planned on needing to spend two years here then heading home. I have just learned this week that I am now going to be done with my course work by July and I get to do my student teaching back home in the fall! So I will be finished with my Masters in year and a half.

Not only is this great because I get to be home, but I will be saving a ton of money. Only paying rent and such things for a year here. Cutting off a semester of tuition bills. I  am totally excited about saving money and not feeling so stressed to find a job while I student teach. If I am being honest with myself which I am trying to be, I would have to say I am more grateful that I will be home. I will get a head start on the program I want to create while I am home too. I get to be close to my family and not feel like I am missing out. Even though I will still be busy with student teaching and my extra course I will be a part of everything again instead just looking at the pictures.(which I appreciate!) Its funny too because I will only actually have lived in Boston for 9 months. I have been here for three already and I have two trips(one long one short) home planned which means I only have 6 months left here in Boston.  YAY!

So for those of you in Colorado that I am missing so much I will see you sooner than I thought! I am truly happy to know where my path is heading. But there are some very scary things surrounding all of my happiness. This will change a lot of my plans that I had for the next two years. Which makes me think about a lot in my professional and personal life. Challenges for the next 6 months:  I have to start working on my program now, I have to start studying for the MTELs, I have to write a letter to teachers back home asking them to let me student teach. Positives: money savings, family, friends, home.

There are a lot of things in our lives we can't predict, understand, or even know(especially when it deals with others and their feelings about the situation.) Some say, "what you don't know can't hurt you" or "ignorance is bliss." I disagree! There are a lot of things I don't know and the not knowing sometimes feels worse than knowing. Not knowing has the power to hurt.

People say that I am brave for moving out here and following one of my dreams. That seems so silly to me. I have never really looked at myself as a brave person. I think my brother is brave for raising his beautiful kids, my best friend is brave for taking control of her life and getting healthy inside and out, my other best friend is brave for raising her family, my parents are brave for pursuing the careers they have, but me brave? I don't feel brave for being here(partly because I keep waiting for my time here to end.) I don't feel brave, because I am too scared to find  out the answers to the things I want to know. I can't even ask simple questions to people who are closest to me. I am too scared to hear the answers. What if I am not ready for the answers? What if the answers hurt worse than the not knowing? What if I get the answers I want, am I ready for that?  And now I have stuck myself with two deadly words,"what" and "if."

I need to decide now if I can stand the hurt there is in the "not knowing" or if I will hurt more in the "knowing."

Hope you funny little thing you

I have been sick, which is pretty normal for me in October, but this time I found it worse. I don't think you realize how much your friends and family help and comfort when you have a cold. Not to say that you don't notice and appreciate their help, but you never notice how much it truly helps you get better. Just having someone there to rub your back, someone to check on you in the middle of the work day to see if you are surviving, someone to just sit with you and not worry if they are going to get sick too. Not that I have not met people here who care, but its hard to depend and lean on people you are just meeting. It's hard to know you have what you are searching for somewhere else. And I get it that all of this is making me independent and everything, but sometimes all you need is for that person to be there next to you just for the comfort. That is all anyone needs, even if we pretend to be strong and say we are fine on our own. Everybody wants their person next to them. 

School is really getting busy now, which adds to the stress of the cold, but I am working on it. I have my three classes, work which I just started,  rehearsals for two shows (one I am directing and one I am performing in) we are finally in the classrooms for my playwriting class,( which I love working with kids again) and observations are starting in my Drama as Ed class and I am starting to stress just a little bit. I keep hoping for the fast forward button to get through the craziness I feel I am about to start.

Hope is a funny thing. I try to keep hope in my life. I hope for many things, but some of these things are more challenging to keep hoping for than others. Which makes me wonder, is hope always hard to hold onto or are you hoping for the wrong things? 

 

I asked a couple my friends here and they didn't have answers, but one of them did mention that she had hope for her sister to get better and that it was hard to have hope that she would, but it wasn't the wrong thing to be hoping for. I agree with that 100%, but what if you are hoping for something selfish? What if you are hoping the next 9 weeks go by fast? What if you are hoping to get good grades? What if you are hoping for things to turn out the way you want? Maybe you want things to change or things to stay the same. Maybe I am hoping for certain people to read this blog or maybe I am hoping certain people don't read this blog. As you can probably figure out I have a certain hope in mind. I am hoping for something, but its selfish. And slightly embarrassing so I wont mention exactly what it is. It's for me. But it is hard to keep hoping for this sometimes. That makes me wonder if I am hoping for the wrong thing. It makes me wonder if what I am hoping for is hopeless. 

I don't know if what I am hoping for is hopeless or not, but for now I still have hope even if it is hard and I guess that is all I can do. It is not something I can let go of yet, so instead of letting it pull me down I have hope. For now. 

9 weeks and I am home. I can't wait. I can tell you that one of my hopes. I hope that the next 9 weeks go by fast, I miss my home. 

Letting yourself be yourself is not easy

I have always thought that I never put on a front. That I am always myself no matter who I am with. Well it turns out thats not true at all. Not to say that I put on a front with everyone, but now that I am in a place where I am being forced to meet new people I am finding it hard to keep track of the real me. I find myself thinking about who I should be for these new people. I ask myself stupid questions like; Who do they want me to be? What should I say to this person? How do they want me to answer that question? What do they think about me? What part of me should I show them?


I don't know what I am thinking! I shouldn't care what any of these people think. I should care what I think of myself. Who do I want me to be? What do I want to say to them? How do I want to answer that question? What do I think about myself? More importantly WHO do I want to be?

I have been making choices lately that are out of character to for me. Don't worry nothing life-shattering or damaging, but things that for sure are not choices I would make at home. And for some reason these same choices here seem ok. Now this may sound stupid, but let me give you an example: At home I avoid cookies I don't go down the cookie aisle at the store because I have no self control, but here its the first one I go to. That seems like a frivolous little choice and so small it shouldn't matter at all, but it does to me. And its only one of many choices I have changed here that I don't care for at all.

So I am changing that. I don't want to be who I think people want me to be I am going to stay who I am.

1) 1-2 drinks when I go out. Thats usually my rule and I need to go back to that.
2) No cookies in the house. I can have one every once in awhile, but none in the house.
3) No pretending. I am who I am and if they don't like it then they are not meant to be a part of my life.
4) I need to let myself grab a coffee sometimes. Once a week I can go and get a soy chai during our class break.
5) I am going to start working out again.


Thats all I can think of right now, but I know there are more. I just have to change them as I go I guess.

I discovered all of this while picking apples yesterday. That sounds so silly I know, but I am in the car with two of my friends and Joan turns on country music. That simple little moment of actually being in a car(not a train) and listening to country music was so comforting. Yes you may laugh, but it's something I do at home and it was just nice to have that comfort. Smolak Farms reminded me so much of home. There was grass, houses, trees, just space. It was amazing to see it actually exists here. Apple cider, apple cider doughnuts, and a nice lunch were also a great topping to the day.

I met some very nice people that made me feel very comfortable. I think that was the best part to the whole day.

I know that people want me to start liking Boston. I want to start liking Boston too. But for now I like my school. I like the path I am creating for my life.

I like meeting people I feel I can trust.

I like still being me. And thats what I am going to work on keeping in my life. Its not easy, but I want to do it. Nope I need to.

Be Careful of My Heart

So this first part with be about Boston, then if you continue to read you can hear about the discoveries I am starting to make about me.

Boston is still not sitting with me. I know you all say give it time and I will, but I met a girl the other day in her 2nd year of this program and she still hates Boston. But just because I am living here temporarily, doesn't mean I have to like it. I am here for my education. I am glad to be at this school. I am learning so much and I truly think I know now what I want to do with my future. In fact I have an appointment with my professor to sit down and start writing the grant to start up my program in two years in Colorado. He says its never to early to start the process of creating a new program. I know it sounds crazy that in 4 weeks I know what I want for my future, but I am certain this is what I am meant to do with my life. I want to educate teachers and students alike about the environment of a school using theatre. Show teachers, administrators tools that make for a positive working place, and how theatre really can teach a curriculum. 

Anyway, I get to catch up with Rachel today and I can't wait. She is just the person I need to vent off of and have her opinion on all of this because I believe she is one of the best teachers I have ever met in my entire life. 

Classes are great! I mean really great! I love all of my teachers. Their approach to education is just wonderful. So positive and uplifting. My classes are my saving grace here. I am still looking for a job, but I am going to keep hoping I will find one soon. I have not really been out to explore the city, but it scares me so I am taking that exploring thing one step at a time.  Now to get to the heavier stuff.

I listen to music a lot on the train. Pandora to be specific, the Adele station. I love music like most do, but music has always been a safe place for me. Until now. Its hard not to let me mind drift when I am on the train. I am usually by myself so I daydream. About home, family, and friends. Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing at that very moment if I were at home (usually sleeping because I am on the train at 8 in the morning which is 6 at home.) So when a song comes on that has some lyric or two that reminds me of home its always hurts my heart just a little bit. 

Now this next part is going to seem out of nowhere, but I promise it will all come back around to the music.

I have recently befriended one of the other students in my class. She is a very nice lady, I enjoy talking to her because we share a lot of the same views about education. However there is one small thing that I am not sure how to handle. She compliments me everyday. Comes up to me after class to tell me she loved my comments today, she loved how I handled the situation, or she loved my acting choices today in class(that one has happened more than once). Now I know what you are thinking, that I should be flattered. Don't get me wrong I am, especially because I always felt that in my undergraduate years I was under appreciated in my program. She kind of provides me with validation.  When she says these things to me I feel positive and confident in myself. My problem with it is me, I don't know what she is seeing or hearing in me that I don't see in myself. 

Now back to the music part of all of this. I have been hurting. I don't like to admit that stuff. I like to pretend that it will all pass and I will be better later. Now don't go worrying about me, I am working on this I really am. But my heart and feelings have been hurting lately. Some of the hurt is from missing home and some of it is coming from people hurting me whether they are meaning to or not. But I heard this song on the radio yesterday by Tracy Chapman called " Be Careful of My Heart" At first I thought of the people in my life that are really hurting my feelings. People I thought I could trust(as if its all their fault) with pieces of me.  I almost got mad while this song was playing. Thinking that all of these people were hurting me and not being careful with my heart. That these people we taking a piece of me and just leaving like it didn't matter, like I didn't matter then I heard this line in the song

I just lost a little faith
When you broke my heart
Given a chance
I might try it again
But I wouldn't risk it all this time

I'd save
A little love for myself

The last part stuck with me. What if I saved love for me instead of loving everyone else around me all the time. I may not use the words "I like you," or "I love you," as much as I should with the people I really do truly love. Its hard for me, but I do love everyone that I believe and trust in enough to give them a piece of me.  If you are reading this and I didn't tell you that last time I saw you how I felt about you, trust me that I do love you. I have love for every person I keep in my life, to different degrees but its there. 

I may not be meaning to hurt myself, but I am.   I am always trying to be careful with everyone else's heart, but what about mine? I need to be careful with my own heart. Find validation, faith, love, and courage in me, the way I see so many others have it. They see it in me, now I need to see it in myself.