Before you read the rest of this, know I was channeling John Mayer and the movie "The Bucket List" It is funny I titled my blog, "Finding Strength in Me." I was hoping that by now after these last 6 months or so I would have been...I don't know... finding it. A friend of mine here in Boston told me the other day I should just say what I need to say. To just let it go and maybe I will feel better. I argued and said that would not be the best because sometimes when you say it then it really is true. You can't deny it then. She told me that was dumb. Then yesterday, I was talking to someone who I hope can help me learn to let go...to let go of stress, anger, of being overwhelmed, and so many other stressful things in my life that I just hold onto. The past. Things that I don't need in my life. So then I began to think. What if you could do that? What if you had one day, just one day to say whatever you wanted without any consequences? To tell everyone everything you think, feel, to tell them everything you want to tell them or have wanted them to tell you. To just let go of everything that you keep locked away (because you think its safer that way) What would happen?
Sometimes I think about what I would say and how I would say it. Or I think about what people would say to me or what I wish people would say. I live my life very safe and keep most of that locked away. I don't take many risks. Some of my close friends would say I put up walls. Ok, I say I put up walls. But building a wall is not an easy job. Its hard to take something down you have spent so much time building.
Sometimes it is good to have walls. Hear me out before you judge and roll your eyes at me. If you didn't have walls everything thing in this world would hurt you. "Walls" can be just another word for having tough skin. And yes, I know my walls have become so tall that I don't like to let anything in. Blah blah blah I know. I want to fix that, but how can you tell the moments that you should let your walls down from the moments you should keep them up? Some people have said you follow your heart and I can respect that, but my heart has been wrong before(and I am not just talking relationships here I am talking life.) Something can feel like it fits. It can feel like that is where you are suppose to be, and what you are suppose to be doing, and who you are suppose to be with, but other circumstances keep that fit from being absolutely perfect. So, do you put up a wall and move on to something that could fit better even if in that moment you don't think it exists or do you wait? Do you let go and say what you need to say to possibly get the perfect place, the perfect job, and the perfect person?
I don't know if this is making any sense. I am not even looking for the perfect answer, I know I need to find that out on my own. Before I can do that I guess I need to get a grasp first on what to hold onto and what to let go of. I wonder if there is anybody who has truly figured that out.
