Student teaching starts soon and I am nervous about that. I know that I have taught before, but it feels different this time. It feels like there is more pressure on me to do well. How are you suppose to know when you are doing the right thing? I love teaching and I love kids, but does that make me a good teacher? Does that make me good at my job? Does that make me prepared to do this job? Yeah I am doubting myself. I am doubting a lot of things lately. I get it that it is a natural thing to doubt, but that doesn't make it easier.
But I am working through it. Well trying to at least. Doubt comes for me because of the "almosts" in my life. Everyone has them, the time you almost passed the test, you almost got the job, you almost got the guy or girl, or you almost found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.(that was funnier in my head)
I am scared to let Boston and everything that has come with it be an "almost" for me. When I first moved here I secretly was hoping that maybe I could make a new life here. Not that I would love the idea of being so far from the people who I love most in my life, but this was a new adventure for me. And now I have fears, fears that I might make this an "almost". For a short moment while I was here I really did consider staying. Wondering what my life would be like if I did and what I would be staying for. But something always kept me from fully committing to stay. Maybe it was God's plan for me to always go back home or maybe I kept myself from fully letting Boston in, but I can only hope that it's God's plan and not my own stubbornness that kept me and Boston at odds. I just don't want to leave here with a heavy heart being afraid that Boston and things here were an "almost" for me.
As of lately all I want to do is get out of here as fast as I possibly can. But that doesn't have anything to do with these people. I will truly miss them. "The Mother" who runs because she is so stressed if she didn't she would exploded from energy and tension, but you can't help but love her and all her type a-ness. " The "Powerhouse" who I think secretly is actually a lot like me and that's why we spend so much time together, but she puts on that tough guy face when needed. The "Lover" as much as she wants just be free and fight the power she also has a heart as big as the sun and I have never met someone who cares more for her friends than she does. The "Funniest Person I Know" but I don't count her as someone to miss because I will see her in CO all the time I will make sure of it! Don't get me wrong I get to go home and see my besties!!! Which I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am for that!!! But I have met really great girls here and they may not know this or even read this, but I plan on keeping them in my life. I can't promise anything distance is always hard, but friendship has become really important to me this year and I hope they know that. Maybe I should tell them.
I can't say I have no "almosts" here and that is always haunting to know you have an "almost" that you are leaving behind and there is nothing to do about it. You always have one or two and that's always hard. I hate to think of losing people in my life or losing out on moments in my life. It breaks my heart, but I read the other day that sometimes we need to forget some people from our past simple because they just don't belong in our future. I just wish this didn't mean I was leaving an "almost" behind me.
Man these "almosts" could consume me if I let them. But all of this does help me to believe that maybe Boston itself isn't an "almost." It does help me to be ready to leave and be done here. And I think maybe that's ok. Maybe all of this (for lack of a better term) CRAP that has been going on around me was a needed push out the door so to speak. If we can all say one thing about me it's that I do not deal well with transition and maybe one way to look at all of this "whatever" and these "almosts" around me are the push and solidification that leaving is what I am suppose to do. Maybe staying was never meant for me.
So those of you who have known me and listened to me complain and moan about Boston being my on again off again boyfriend over the last year I thought this was a fitting song for my break up with Boston. And Boston, I am sorry our relationship has to end. I know we will always be friends and I will come to visit you when I can. We had some good times and a lot of bad times, but you have helped me grow up (even more) and helped me on my path in life to becoming the person I am meant to be, so thanks. We were "almost" a good fit Boston, but just not perfect. Agree to be friends? :)
FYI this is a beautiful song and I am using it in a slightly ridiculous way, but I actually really love this song.
