Don't second guess your feelings, they are usually right from the start...I think

Well the semester is coming to an end, finally. Two more weeks of actual classes and then I am done. I have registered for my MTELS so I will start studying for that over the Christmas break (I will be looking for volunteers willing to help me study) . I have registered for my second semester classes, taking a design class that I am not sure what to think about it. Art has never been my forte so we will see. Taking another education class and then a teaching young actors class. I get to keep my job next semester too so that's really great. I like my job. I head to Connecticut this week to go spend Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle. I am so ready to get out of the city. I need to go be with family and just be. I need to let go of school stuff and city stuff and everything else and just let it go for a little while 

I have all of my Christmas shopping done. Maybe one small thing for the kids left, but other than that I am done. I know that sounds crazy since Thanksgiving hasn't even happened, but I already knew what I wanted to get for everyone so I just needed to get it out of the way. Plus, now I don't have to fight holiday shopping crowds. They tend to just make me mad and then I don't enjoy the shopping.

I am mad. Really mad at someone. I haven't told them yet, which for me means that I am now holding it inside only making it worse and getting even more irritated as time goes on. I don't want to be mad at this person, but I am and I don't know how to tell them. Don't know if I should tell them. When you are upset with family its always easy to tell them, because they are your family and they love you even when you get mad at each other, but when it comes to friends it seems to be more challenging sometimes. At least for me it can be.

I don't trust easily. And I don't care for people quickly. I tend to be pretty guarded.  Which some of the people close to me like to remind me of because I like to pretend that I am normal with no issues, but thats why I love them because they keep me grounded. But once I let you in and trust you I trust completely.  When you break that trust with me its hard for me (for anyone really) to find faith in you again. Not impossible, but challenging to say the least. 

This may sound so silly, because its just a friend. But isn't that what makes it hurt the most when you end a relationship. Its not the romantic side that you miss the most that you can always find again, but you miss your friend. In the best of the relationships that person isn't just your romantic interest, but also your friend. 

A friend of mine has hurt me. Nothing of romance, but of friendship. I want to tell this person. I want to scream at them and yell and say mean things to hurt them back, but I wont. Mainly I just want them to know they have hurt me. I don't even know if I am have a right to feel this way. Maybe I am being crazy about it, but I can't help it and this is how I feel. And if I listen to my own advise I would try to remember that they are my feelings so they can't be wrong, but what do I do with them now? Hold them in? Just let go of this friend? A friend I am clearly not ready to lose. Or do I tell them how I am feeling and just let it out and see what happens? Maybe I am not ready to tell this person I don't know, but I hope in the near future I can muster all the confidence I have and tell this person and hope that they will understand where I am coming from. And maybe they will be my friend again. Because I truly hate feeling like I have lost this friendship. Especially when I feel I need my friends the most. 

Re-reading all of this it sounds so foolish, but I can't help it. Feelings are feelings and it's my blog and I will write ridiculous things if I want to( in my mind I said that in similar phrasing to "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to," just FYI) 

Whoever said, "What you don't know can't hurt you," is a liar.

So I need to start this off today by sharing some amazing news with all of you. I will officially be done living in Boston on July 16th, 2012! I am so excited I can't even begin to explain it. I originally had planned on needing to spend two years here then heading home. I have just learned this week that I am now going to be done with my course work by July and I get to do my student teaching back home in the fall! So I will be finished with my Masters in year and a half.

Not only is this great because I get to be home, but I will be saving a ton of money. Only paying rent and such things for a year here. Cutting off a semester of tuition bills. I  am totally excited about saving money and not feeling so stressed to find a job while I student teach. If I am being honest with myself which I am trying to be, I would have to say I am more grateful that I will be home. I will get a head start on the program I want to create while I am home too. I get to be close to my family and not feel like I am missing out. Even though I will still be busy with student teaching and my extra course I will be a part of everything again instead just looking at the pictures.(which I appreciate!) Its funny too because I will only actually have lived in Boston for 9 months. I have been here for three already and I have two trips(one long one short) home planned which means I only have 6 months left here in Boston.  YAY!

So for those of you in Colorado that I am missing so much I will see you sooner than I thought! I am truly happy to know where my path is heading. But there are some very scary things surrounding all of my happiness. This will change a lot of my plans that I had for the next two years. Which makes me think about a lot in my professional and personal life. Challenges for the next 6 months:  I have to start working on my program now, I have to start studying for the MTELs, I have to write a letter to teachers back home asking them to let me student teach. Positives: money savings, family, friends, home.

There are a lot of things in our lives we can't predict, understand, or even know(especially when it deals with others and their feelings about the situation.) Some say, "what you don't know can't hurt you" or "ignorance is bliss." I disagree! There are a lot of things I don't know and the not knowing sometimes feels worse than knowing. Not knowing has the power to hurt.

People say that I am brave for moving out here and following one of my dreams. That seems so silly to me. I have never really looked at myself as a brave person. I think my brother is brave for raising his beautiful kids, my best friend is brave for taking control of her life and getting healthy inside and out, my other best friend is brave for raising her family, my parents are brave for pursuing the careers they have, but me brave? I don't feel brave for being here(partly because I keep waiting for my time here to end.) I don't feel brave, because I am too scared to find  out the answers to the things I want to know. I can't even ask simple questions to people who are closest to me. I am too scared to hear the answers. What if I am not ready for the answers? What if the answers hurt worse than the not knowing? What if I get the answers I want, am I ready for that?  And now I have stuck myself with two deadly words,"what" and "if."

I need to decide now if I can stand the hurt there is in the "not knowing" or if I will hurt more in the "knowing."

Hope you funny little thing you

I have been sick, which is pretty normal for me in October, but this time I found it worse. I don't think you realize how much your friends and family help and comfort when you have a cold. Not to say that you don't notice and appreciate their help, but you never notice how much it truly helps you get better. Just having someone there to rub your back, someone to check on you in the middle of the work day to see if you are surviving, someone to just sit with you and not worry if they are going to get sick too. Not that I have not met people here who care, but its hard to depend and lean on people you are just meeting. It's hard to know you have what you are searching for somewhere else. And I get it that all of this is making me independent and everything, but sometimes all you need is for that person to be there next to you just for the comfort. That is all anyone needs, even if we pretend to be strong and say we are fine on our own. Everybody wants their person next to them. 

School is really getting busy now, which adds to the stress of the cold, but I am working on it. I have my three classes, work which I just started,  rehearsals for two shows (one I am directing and one I am performing in) we are finally in the classrooms for my playwriting class,( which I love working with kids again) and observations are starting in my Drama as Ed class and I am starting to stress just a little bit. I keep hoping for the fast forward button to get through the craziness I feel I am about to start.

Hope is a funny thing. I try to keep hope in my life. I hope for many things, but some of these things are more challenging to keep hoping for than others. Which makes me wonder, is hope always hard to hold onto or are you hoping for the wrong things? 

 

I asked a couple my friends here and they didn't have answers, but one of them did mention that she had hope for her sister to get better and that it was hard to have hope that she would, but it wasn't the wrong thing to be hoping for. I agree with that 100%, but what if you are hoping for something selfish? What if you are hoping the next 9 weeks go by fast? What if you are hoping to get good grades? What if you are hoping for things to turn out the way you want? Maybe you want things to change or things to stay the same. Maybe I am hoping for certain people to read this blog or maybe I am hoping certain people don't read this blog. As you can probably figure out I have a certain hope in mind. I am hoping for something, but its selfish. And slightly embarrassing so I wont mention exactly what it is. It's for me. But it is hard to keep hoping for this sometimes. That makes me wonder if I am hoping for the wrong thing. It makes me wonder if what I am hoping for is hopeless. 

I don't know if what I am hoping for is hopeless or not, but for now I still have hope even if it is hard and I guess that is all I can do. It is not something I can let go of yet, so instead of letting it pull me down I have hope. For now. 

9 weeks and I am home. I can't wait. I can tell you that one of my hopes. I hope that the next 9 weeks go by fast, I miss my home. 

Letting yourself be yourself is not easy

I have always thought that I never put on a front. That I am always myself no matter who I am with. Well it turns out thats not true at all. Not to say that I put on a front with everyone, but now that I am in a place where I am being forced to meet new people I am finding it hard to keep track of the real me. I find myself thinking about who I should be for these new people. I ask myself stupid questions like; Who do they want me to be? What should I say to this person? How do they want me to answer that question? What do they think about me? What part of me should I show them?


I don't know what I am thinking! I shouldn't care what any of these people think. I should care what I think of myself. Who do I want me to be? What do I want to say to them? How do I want to answer that question? What do I think about myself? More importantly WHO do I want to be?

I have been making choices lately that are out of character to for me. Don't worry nothing life-shattering or damaging, but things that for sure are not choices I would make at home. And for some reason these same choices here seem ok. Now this may sound stupid, but let me give you an example: At home I avoid cookies I don't go down the cookie aisle at the store because I have no self control, but here its the first one I go to. That seems like a frivolous little choice and so small it shouldn't matter at all, but it does to me. And its only one of many choices I have changed here that I don't care for at all.

So I am changing that. I don't want to be who I think people want me to be I am going to stay who I am.

1) 1-2 drinks when I go out. Thats usually my rule and I need to go back to that.
2) No cookies in the house. I can have one every once in awhile, but none in the house.
3) No pretending. I am who I am and if they don't like it then they are not meant to be a part of my life.
4) I need to let myself grab a coffee sometimes. Once a week I can go and get a soy chai during our class break.
5) I am going to start working out again.


Thats all I can think of right now, but I know there are more. I just have to change them as I go I guess.

I discovered all of this while picking apples yesterday. That sounds so silly I know, but I am in the car with two of my friends and Joan turns on country music. That simple little moment of actually being in a car(not a train) and listening to country music was so comforting. Yes you may laugh, but it's something I do at home and it was just nice to have that comfort. Smolak Farms reminded me so much of home. There was grass, houses, trees, just space. It was amazing to see it actually exists here. Apple cider, apple cider doughnuts, and a nice lunch were also a great topping to the day.

I met some very nice people that made me feel very comfortable. I think that was the best part to the whole day.

I know that people want me to start liking Boston. I want to start liking Boston too. But for now I like my school. I like the path I am creating for my life.

I like meeting people I feel I can trust.

I like still being me. And thats what I am going to work on keeping in my life. Its not easy, but I want to do it. Nope I need to.

Be Careful of My Heart

So this first part with be about Boston, then if you continue to read you can hear about the discoveries I am starting to make about me.

Boston is still not sitting with me. I know you all say give it time and I will, but I met a girl the other day in her 2nd year of this program and she still hates Boston. But just because I am living here temporarily, doesn't mean I have to like it. I am here for my education. I am glad to be at this school. I am learning so much and I truly think I know now what I want to do with my future. In fact I have an appointment with my professor to sit down and start writing the grant to start up my program in two years in Colorado. He says its never to early to start the process of creating a new program. I know it sounds crazy that in 4 weeks I know what I want for my future, but I am certain this is what I am meant to do with my life. I want to educate teachers and students alike about the environment of a school using theatre. Show teachers, administrators tools that make for a positive working place, and how theatre really can teach a curriculum. 

Anyway, I get to catch up with Rachel today and I can't wait. She is just the person I need to vent off of and have her opinion on all of this because I believe she is one of the best teachers I have ever met in my entire life. 

Classes are great! I mean really great! I love all of my teachers. Their approach to education is just wonderful. So positive and uplifting. My classes are my saving grace here. I am still looking for a job, but I am going to keep hoping I will find one soon. I have not really been out to explore the city, but it scares me so I am taking that exploring thing one step at a time.  Now to get to the heavier stuff.

I listen to music a lot on the train. Pandora to be specific, the Adele station. I love music like most do, but music has always been a safe place for me. Until now. Its hard not to let me mind drift when I am on the train. I am usually by myself so I daydream. About home, family, and friends. Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing at that very moment if I were at home (usually sleeping because I am on the train at 8 in the morning which is 6 at home.) So when a song comes on that has some lyric or two that reminds me of home its always hurts my heart just a little bit. 

Now this next part is going to seem out of nowhere, but I promise it will all come back around to the music.

I have recently befriended one of the other students in my class. She is a very nice lady, I enjoy talking to her because we share a lot of the same views about education. However there is one small thing that I am not sure how to handle. She compliments me everyday. Comes up to me after class to tell me she loved my comments today, she loved how I handled the situation, or she loved my acting choices today in class(that one has happened more than once). Now I know what you are thinking, that I should be flattered. Don't get me wrong I am, especially because I always felt that in my undergraduate years I was under appreciated in my program. She kind of provides me with validation.  When she says these things to me I feel positive and confident in myself. My problem with it is me, I don't know what she is seeing or hearing in me that I don't see in myself. 

Now back to the music part of all of this. I have been hurting. I don't like to admit that stuff. I like to pretend that it will all pass and I will be better later. Now don't go worrying about me, I am working on this I really am. But my heart and feelings have been hurting lately. Some of the hurt is from missing home and some of it is coming from people hurting me whether they are meaning to or not. But I heard this song on the radio yesterday by Tracy Chapman called " Be Careful of My Heart" At first I thought of the people in my life that are really hurting my feelings. People I thought I could trust(as if its all their fault) with pieces of me.  I almost got mad while this song was playing. Thinking that all of these people were hurting me and not being careful with my heart. That these people we taking a piece of me and just leaving like it didn't matter, like I didn't matter then I heard this line in the song

I just lost a little faith
When you broke my heart
Given a chance
I might try it again
But I wouldn't risk it all this time

I'd save
A little love for myself

The last part stuck with me. What if I saved love for me instead of loving everyone else around me all the time. I may not use the words "I like you," or "I love you," as much as I should with the people I really do truly love. Its hard for me, but I do love everyone that I believe and trust in enough to give them a piece of me.  If you are reading this and I didn't tell you that last time I saw you how I felt about you, trust me that I do love you. I have love for every person I keep in my life, to different degrees but its there. 

I may not be meaning to hurt myself, but I am.   I am always trying to be careful with everyone else's heart, but what about mine? I need to be careful with my own heart. Find validation, faith, love, and courage in me, the way I see so many others have it. They see it in me, now I need to see it in myself.

 

From the Beautiful Rocky Mountains to the Slightly Overwhelming Boston

Let me preface this post with this statement: My body is here, but my heart is at home.

Boston is nice. I have been here over a week and I can only say this and be truly honest. It is just different. Not good different, not bad different, just different. I am not adjusting as well as I thought I would. Growing up in such a wonderful place I never took the time to really see all of the things Colorado had to offer.  From the weather to the people it truly is a wonderful place to live.

Not that Boston doesn't have its charm, but it is just a different kind of charm. Colorado's charm is the "you are such a goober but it makes me smile" kind of charm, while Boston is charming, but in the mysterious "I should be careful with my emotions around you" charm. If that makes sense.  It is just a different place.

I have had my first week of graduate classes and I feel pretty good about all of them. My directing teacher scares me to death. If I am being honest that class in general scares me. A lot of work and with it only meeting once a week a lot of it is on my own. YIKES!

My other two classes I feel will be fine. I really like my professors (for the time being) They seem to view teaching in a very personal way. Which I think I do too. They take the time to get to know all of their students on the first day. They don't want to know just your name, but they remember things about you as a person. Which I strive to do as a teacher myself. (I think I am that kind of teacher. Well I hope.)

My roommate and I get along very well and our apartment is pretty nice. I get decent exercise with all the walking I am doing, and seeing as we live on the 4th floor the stairs kick my butt every single. So there are some of the good things about my move to Boston. And I have met several people in my classes I can really see myself getting along with well.

Now for the slightly less positive side of the move.

I miss home. I miss my family. Man do I miss my family. I am so thankful for my wonderful family and I am thankful we are all close to each other. The downfall to being so close with them is that it makes it ten times harder to leave them. I know I can talk to them on the phone whenever I want, but its not the same as holding my niece and nephew and playing games with them or telling her a story before she goes to bed. I miss that a lot. Those two kids are the only two people in the world that can make a bad day good again.

I am blessed with a lot of people in my life who care about me.

My family I miss, but I miss my friends too. Monday nights just are not the same without the girls(and boy) Talk about two people that know me better than I know myself. Two people that help and encourage me to become a better version of myself. Both of whom encouraged me to write this. I can't think of two better people to call family. Reading this shows me how easy it is to have my head here in Boston, but my heart will remain in Colorado. Not to say I will hate it here and not live my life, because I will. It is just going to take me some time.

Although, it was not always the easiest job I miss that too. The kids and my friends.

Things are not going as I had planned(which I am sure is how it was meant to be)Whether its been people messing up my plans, my plans not being as good as I thought they were, or just plain old bad luck. Someone recently told me I am not as easygoing as I think I am. I am not saying this person is right, but I am starting to see that he may have a point. I want this move to be easier. So I want to move onward and upward. Now I need to figure out while I am here, what is worth holding onto from home and what do I need to let go of to allow myself to grow while I am here.

No one can hold you back. You are the only person who can hold yourself back. I know there are things back home that I don't want to let go of. I need strength to believe in what I have back home. And know that in 3 months when I come home it will be there waiting for me. Even if I am finding new things here.

Here is a quote from one of my professors that I hope I can learn from.

"More bad comes from timidity than from bravery. Fight, saying no to something you want leads you nowhere."

Sometimes you need to make the wrong choices to get to the right end.