Be Careful of My Heart

So this first part with be about Boston, then if you continue to read you can hear about the discoveries I am starting to make about me.

Boston is still not sitting with me. I know you all say give it time and I will, but I met a girl the other day in her 2nd year of this program and she still hates Boston. But just because I am living here temporarily, doesn't mean I have to like it. I am here for my education. I am glad to be at this school. I am learning so much and I truly think I know now what I want to do with my future. In fact I have an appointment with my professor to sit down and start writing the grant to start up my program in two years in Colorado. He says its never to early to start the process of creating a new program. I know it sounds crazy that in 4 weeks I know what I want for my future, but I am certain this is what I am meant to do with my life. I want to educate teachers and students alike about the environment of a school using theatre. Show teachers, administrators tools that make for a positive working place, and how theatre really can teach a curriculum. 

Anyway, I get to catch up with Rachel today and I can't wait. She is just the person I need to vent off of and have her opinion on all of this because I believe she is one of the best teachers I have ever met in my entire life. 

Classes are great! I mean really great! I love all of my teachers. Their approach to education is just wonderful. So positive and uplifting. My classes are my saving grace here. I am still looking for a job, but I am going to keep hoping I will find one soon. I have not really been out to explore the city, but it scares me so I am taking that exploring thing one step at a time.  Now to get to the heavier stuff.

I listen to music a lot on the train. Pandora to be specific, the Adele station. I love music like most do, but music has always been a safe place for me. Until now. Its hard not to let me mind drift when I am on the train. I am usually by myself so I daydream. About home, family, and friends. Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing at that very moment if I were at home (usually sleeping because I am on the train at 8 in the morning which is 6 at home.) So when a song comes on that has some lyric or two that reminds me of home its always hurts my heart just a little bit. 

Now this next part is going to seem out of nowhere, but I promise it will all come back around to the music.

I have recently befriended one of the other students in my class. She is a very nice lady, I enjoy talking to her because we share a lot of the same views about education. However there is one small thing that I am not sure how to handle. She compliments me everyday. Comes up to me after class to tell me she loved my comments today, she loved how I handled the situation, or she loved my acting choices today in class(that one has happened more than once). Now I know what you are thinking, that I should be flattered. Don't get me wrong I am, especially because I always felt that in my undergraduate years I was under appreciated in my program. She kind of provides me with validation.  When she says these things to me I feel positive and confident in myself. My problem with it is me, I don't know what she is seeing or hearing in me that I don't see in myself. 

Now back to the music part of all of this. I have been hurting. I don't like to admit that stuff. I like to pretend that it will all pass and I will be better later. Now don't go worrying about me, I am working on this I really am. But my heart and feelings have been hurting lately. Some of the hurt is from missing home and some of it is coming from people hurting me whether they are meaning to or not. But I heard this song on the radio yesterday by Tracy Chapman called " Be Careful of My Heart" At first I thought of the people in my life that are really hurting my feelings. People I thought I could trust(as if its all their fault) with pieces of me.  I almost got mad while this song was playing. Thinking that all of these people were hurting me and not being careful with my heart. That these people we taking a piece of me and just leaving like it didn't matter, like I didn't matter then I heard this line in the song

I just lost a little faith
When you broke my heart
Given a chance
I might try it again
But I wouldn't risk it all this time

I'd save
A little love for myself

The last part stuck with me. What if I saved love for me instead of loving everyone else around me all the time. I may not use the words "I like you," or "I love you," as much as I should with the people I really do truly love. Its hard for me, but I do love everyone that I believe and trust in enough to give them a piece of me.  If you are reading this and I didn't tell you that last time I saw you how I felt about you, trust me that I do love you. I have love for every person I keep in my life, to different degrees but its there. 

I may not be meaning to hurt myself, but I am.   I am always trying to be careful with everyone else's heart, but what about mine? I need to be careful with my own heart. Find validation, faith, love, and courage in me, the way I see so many others have it. They see it in me, now I need to see it in myself.

 

From the Beautiful Rocky Mountains to the Slightly Overwhelming Boston

Let me preface this post with this statement: My body is here, but my heart is at home.

Boston is nice. I have been here over a week and I can only say this and be truly honest. It is just different. Not good different, not bad different, just different. I am not adjusting as well as I thought I would. Growing up in such a wonderful place I never took the time to really see all of the things Colorado had to offer.  From the weather to the people it truly is a wonderful place to live.

Not that Boston doesn't have its charm, but it is just a different kind of charm. Colorado's charm is the "you are such a goober but it makes me smile" kind of charm, while Boston is charming, but in the mysterious "I should be careful with my emotions around you" charm. If that makes sense.  It is just a different place.

I have had my first week of graduate classes and I feel pretty good about all of them. My directing teacher scares me to death. If I am being honest that class in general scares me. A lot of work and with it only meeting once a week a lot of it is on my own. YIKES!

My other two classes I feel will be fine. I really like my professors (for the time being) They seem to view teaching in a very personal way. Which I think I do too. They take the time to get to know all of their students on the first day. They don't want to know just your name, but they remember things about you as a person. Which I strive to do as a teacher myself. (I think I am that kind of teacher. Well I hope.)

My roommate and I get along very well and our apartment is pretty nice. I get decent exercise with all the walking I am doing, and seeing as we live on the 4th floor the stairs kick my butt every single. So there are some of the good things about my move to Boston. And I have met several people in my classes I can really see myself getting along with well.

Now for the slightly less positive side of the move.

I miss home. I miss my family. Man do I miss my family. I am so thankful for my wonderful family and I am thankful we are all close to each other. The downfall to being so close with them is that it makes it ten times harder to leave them. I know I can talk to them on the phone whenever I want, but its not the same as holding my niece and nephew and playing games with them or telling her a story before she goes to bed. I miss that a lot. Those two kids are the only two people in the world that can make a bad day good again.

I am blessed with a lot of people in my life who care about me.

My family I miss, but I miss my friends too. Monday nights just are not the same without the girls(and boy) Talk about two people that know me better than I know myself. Two people that help and encourage me to become a better version of myself. Both of whom encouraged me to write this. I can't think of two better people to call family. Reading this shows me how easy it is to have my head here in Boston, but my heart will remain in Colorado. Not to say I will hate it here and not live my life, because I will. It is just going to take me some time.

Although, it was not always the easiest job I miss that too. The kids and my friends.

Things are not going as I had planned(which I am sure is how it was meant to be)Whether its been people messing up my plans, my plans not being as good as I thought they were, or just plain old bad luck. Someone recently told me I am not as easygoing as I think I am. I am not saying this person is right, but I am starting to see that he may have a point. I want this move to be easier. So I want to move onward and upward. Now I need to figure out while I am here, what is worth holding onto from home and what do I need to let go of to allow myself to grow while I am here.

No one can hold you back. You are the only person who can hold yourself back. I know there are things back home that I don't want to let go of. I need strength to believe in what I have back home. And know that in 3 months when I come home it will be there waiting for me. Even if I am finding new things here.

Here is a quote from one of my professors that I hope I can learn from.

"More bad comes from timidity than from bravery. Fight, saying no to something you want leads you nowhere."

Sometimes you need to make the wrong choices to get to the right end.