Whoever said, "What you don't know can't hurt you," is a liar.

So I need to start this off today by sharing some amazing news with all of you. I will officially be done living in Boston on July 16th, 2012! I am so excited I can't even begin to explain it. I originally had planned on needing to spend two years here then heading home. I have just learned this week that I am now going to be done with my course work by July and I get to do my student teaching back home in the fall! So I will be finished with my Masters in year and a half.

Not only is this great because I get to be home, but I will be saving a ton of money. Only paying rent and such things for a year here. Cutting off a semester of tuition bills. I  am totally excited about saving money and not feeling so stressed to find a job while I student teach. If I am being honest with myself which I am trying to be, I would have to say I am more grateful that I will be home. I will get a head start on the program I want to create while I am home too. I get to be close to my family and not feel like I am missing out. Even though I will still be busy with student teaching and my extra course I will be a part of everything again instead just looking at the pictures.(which I appreciate!) Its funny too because I will only actually have lived in Boston for 9 months. I have been here for three already and I have two trips(one long one short) home planned which means I only have 6 months left here in Boston.  YAY!

So for those of you in Colorado that I am missing so much I will see you sooner than I thought! I am truly happy to know where my path is heading. But there are some very scary things surrounding all of my happiness. This will change a lot of my plans that I had for the next two years. Which makes me think about a lot in my professional and personal life. Challenges for the next 6 months:  I have to start working on my program now, I have to start studying for the MTELs, I have to write a letter to teachers back home asking them to let me student teach. Positives: money savings, family, friends, home.

There are a lot of things in our lives we can't predict, understand, or even know(especially when it deals with others and their feelings about the situation.) Some say, "what you don't know can't hurt you" or "ignorance is bliss." I disagree! There are a lot of things I don't know and the not knowing sometimes feels worse than knowing. Not knowing has the power to hurt.

People say that I am brave for moving out here and following one of my dreams. That seems so silly to me. I have never really looked at myself as a brave person. I think my brother is brave for raising his beautiful kids, my best friend is brave for taking control of her life and getting healthy inside and out, my other best friend is brave for raising her family, my parents are brave for pursuing the careers they have, but me brave? I don't feel brave for being here(partly because I keep waiting for my time here to end.) I don't feel brave, because I am too scared to find  out the answers to the things I want to know. I can't even ask simple questions to people who are closest to me. I am too scared to hear the answers. What if I am not ready for the answers? What if the answers hurt worse than the not knowing? What if I get the answers I want, am I ready for that?  And now I have stuck myself with two deadly words,"what" and "if."

I need to decide now if I can stand the hurt there is in the "not knowing" or if I will hurt more in the "knowing."

Hope you funny little thing you

I have been sick, which is pretty normal for me in October, but this time I found it worse. I don't think you realize how much your friends and family help and comfort when you have a cold. Not to say that you don't notice and appreciate their help, but you never notice how much it truly helps you get better. Just having someone there to rub your back, someone to check on you in the middle of the work day to see if you are surviving, someone to just sit with you and not worry if they are going to get sick too. Not that I have not met people here who care, but its hard to depend and lean on people you are just meeting. It's hard to know you have what you are searching for somewhere else. And I get it that all of this is making me independent and everything, but sometimes all you need is for that person to be there next to you just for the comfort. That is all anyone needs, even if we pretend to be strong and say we are fine on our own. Everybody wants their person next to them. 

School is really getting busy now, which adds to the stress of the cold, but I am working on it. I have my three classes, work which I just started,  rehearsals for two shows (one I am directing and one I am performing in) we are finally in the classrooms for my playwriting class,( which I love working with kids again) and observations are starting in my Drama as Ed class and I am starting to stress just a little bit. I keep hoping for the fast forward button to get through the craziness I feel I am about to start.

Hope is a funny thing. I try to keep hope in my life. I hope for many things, but some of these things are more challenging to keep hoping for than others. Which makes me wonder, is hope always hard to hold onto or are you hoping for the wrong things? 

 

I asked a couple my friends here and they didn't have answers, but one of them did mention that she had hope for her sister to get better and that it was hard to have hope that she would, but it wasn't the wrong thing to be hoping for. I agree with that 100%, but what if you are hoping for something selfish? What if you are hoping the next 9 weeks go by fast? What if you are hoping to get good grades? What if you are hoping for things to turn out the way you want? Maybe you want things to change or things to stay the same. Maybe I am hoping for certain people to read this blog or maybe I am hoping certain people don't read this blog. As you can probably figure out I have a certain hope in mind. I am hoping for something, but its selfish. And slightly embarrassing so I wont mention exactly what it is. It's for me. But it is hard to keep hoping for this sometimes. That makes me wonder if I am hoping for the wrong thing. It makes me wonder if what I am hoping for is hopeless. 

I don't know if what I am hoping for is hopeless or not, but for now I still have hope even if it is hard and I guess that is all I can do. It is not something I can let go of yet, so instead of letting it pull me down I have hope. For now. 

9 weeks and I am home. I can't wait. I can tell you that one of my hopes. I hope that the next 9 weeks go by fast, I miss my home. 

Letting yourself be yourself is not easy

I have always thought that I never put on a front. That I am always myself no matter who I am with. Well it turns out thats not true at all. Not to say that I put on a front with everyone, but now that I am in a place where I am being forced to meet new people I am finding it hard to keep track of the real me. I find myself thinking about who I should be for these new people. I ask myself stupid questions like; Who do they want me to be? What should I say to this person? How do they want me to answer that question? What do they think about me? What part of me should I show them?


I don't know what I am thinking! I shouldn't care what any of these people think. I should care what I think of myself. Who do I want me to be? What do I want to say to them? How do I want to answer that question? What do I think about myself? More importantly WHO do I want to be?

I have been making choices lately that are out of character to for me. Don't worry nothing life-shattering or damaging, but things that for sure are not choices I would make at home. And for some reason these same choices here seem ok. Now this may sound stupid, but let me give you an example: At home I avoid cookies I don't go down the cookie aisle at the store because I have no self control, but here its the first one I go to. That seems like a frivolous little choice and so small it shouldn't matter at all, but it does to me. And its only one of many choices I have changed here that I don't care for at all.

So I am changing that. I don't want to be who I think people want me to be I am going to stay who I am.

1) 1-2 drinks when I go out. Thats usually my rule and I need to go back to that.
2) No cookies in the house. I can have one every once in awhile, but none in the house.
3) No pretending. I am who I am and if they don't like it then they are not meant to be a part of my life.
4) I need to let myself grab a coffee sometimes. Once a week I can go and get a soy chai during our class break.
5) I am going to start working out again.


Thats all I can think of right now, but I know there are more. I just have to change them as I go I guess.

I discovered all of this while picking apples yesterday. That sounds so silly I know, but I am in the car with two of my friends and Joan turns on country music. That simple little moment of actually being in a car(not a train) and listening to country music was so comforting. Yes you may laugh, but it's something I do at home and it was just nice to have that comfort. Smolak Farms reminded me so much of home. There was grass, houses, trees, just space. It was amazing to see it actually exists here. Apple cider, apple cider doughnuts, and a nice lunch were also a great topping to the day.

I met some very nice people that made me feel very comfortable. I think that was the best part to the whole day.

I know that people want me to start liking Boston. I want to start liking Boston too. But for now I like my school. I like the path I am creating for my life.

I like meeting people I feel I can trust.

I like still being me. And thats what I am going to work on keeping in my life. Its not easy, but I want to do it. Nope I need to.