Be Careful of My Heart

So this first part with be about Boston, then if you continue to read you can hear about the discoveries I am starting to make about me.

Boston is still not sitting with me. I know you all say give it time and I will, but I met a girl the other day in her 2nd year of this program and she still hates Boston. But just because I am living here temporarily, doesn't mean I have to like it. I am here for my education. I am glad to be at this school. I am learning so much and I truly think I know now what I want to do with my future. In fact I have an appointment with my professor to sit down and start writing the grant to start up my program in two years in Colorado. He says its never to early to start the process of creating a new program. I know it sounds crazy that in 4 weeks I know what I want for my future, but I am certain this is what I am meant to do with my life. I want to educate teachers and students alike about the environment of a school using theatre. Show teachers, administrators tools that make for a positive working place, and how theatre really can teach a curriculum. 

Anyway, I get to catch up with Rachel today and I can't wait. She is just the person I need to vent off of and have her opinion on all of this because I believe she is one of the best teachers I have ever met in my entire life. 

Classes are great! I mean really great! I love all of my teachers. Their approach to education is just wonderful. So positive and uplifting. My classes are my saving grace here. I am still looking for a job, but I am going to keep hoping I will find one soon. I have not really been out to explore the city, but it scares me so I am taking that exploring thing one step at a time.  Now to get to the heavier stuff.

I listen to music a lot on the train. Pandora to be specific, the Adele station. I love music like most do, but music has always been a safe place for me. Until now. Its hard not to let me mind drift when I am on the train. I am usually by myself so I daydream. About home, family, and friends. Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing at that very moment if I were at home (usually sleeping because I am on the train at 8 in the morning which is 6 at home.) So when a song comes on that has some lyric or two that reminds me of home its always hurts my heart just a little bit. 

Now this next part is going to seem out of nowhere, but I promise it will all come back around to the music.

I have recently befriended one of the other students in my class. She is a very nice lady, I enjoy talking to her because we share a lot of the same views about education. However there is one small thing that I am not sure how to handle. She compliments me everyday. Comes up to me after class to tell me she loved my comments today, she loved how I handled the situation, or she loved my acting choices today in class(that one has happened more than once). Now I know what you are thinking, that I should be flattered. Don't get me wrong I am, especially because I always felt that in my undergraduate years I was under appreciated in my program. She kind of provides me with validation.  When she says these things to me I feel positive and confident in myself. My problem with it is me, I don't know what she is seeing or hearing in me that I don't see in myself. 

Now back to the music part of all of this. I have been hurting. I don't like to admit that stuff. I like to pretend that it will all pass and I will be better later. Now don't go worrying about me, I am working on this I really am. But my heart and feelings have been hurting lately. Some of the hurt is from missing home and some of it is coming from people hurting me whether they are meaning to or not. But I heard this song on the radio yesterday by Tracy Chapman called " Be Careful of My Heart" At first I thought of the people in my life that are really hurting my feelings. People I thought I could trust(as if its all their fault) with pieces of me.  I almost got mad while this song was playing. Thinking that all of these people were hurting me and not being careful with my heart. That these people we taking a piece of me and just leaving like it didn't matter, like I didn't matter then I heard this line in the song

I just lost a little faith
When you broke my heart
Given a chance
I might try it again
But I wouldn't risk it all this time

I'd save
A little love for myself

The last part stuck with me. What if I saved love for me instead of loving everyone else around me all the time. I may not use the words "I like you," or "I love you," as much as I should with the people I really do truly love. Its hard for me, but I do love everyone that I believe and trust in enough to give them a piece of me.  If you are reading this and I didn't tell you that last time I saw you how I felt about you, trust me that I do love you. I have love for every person I keep in my life, to different degrees but its there. 

I may not be meaning to hurt myself, but I am.   I am always trying to be careful with everyone else's heart, but what about mine? I need to be careful with my own heart. Find validation, faith, love, and courage in me, the way I see so many others have it. They see it in me, now I need to see it in myself.