Letting yourself be yourself is not easy

I have always thought that I never put on a front. That I am always myself no matter who I am with. Well it turns out thats not true at all. Not to say that I put on a front with everyone, but now that I am in a place where I am being forced to meet new people I am finding it hard to keep track of the real me. I find myself thinking about who I should be for these new people. I ask myself stupid questions like; Who do they want me to be? What should I say to this person? How do they want me to answer that question? What do they think about me? What part of me should I show them?


I don't know what I am thinking! I shouldn't care what any of these people think. I should care what I think of myself. Who do I want me to be? What do I want to say to them? How do I want to answer that question? What do I think about myself? More importantly WHO do I want to be?

I have been making choices lately that are out of character to for me. Don't worry nothing life-shattering or damaging, but things that for sure are not choices I would make at home. And for some reason these same choices here seem ok. Now this may sound stupid, but let me give you an example: At home I avoid cookies I don't go down the cookie aisle at the store because I have no self control, but here its the first one I go to. That seems like a frivolous little choice and so small it shouldn't matter at all, but it does to me. And its only one of many choices I have changed here that I don't care for at all.

So I am changing that. I don't want to be who I think people want me to be I am going to stay who I am.

1) 1-2 drinks when I go out. Thats usually my rule and I need to go back to that.
2) No cookies in the house. I can have one every once in awhile, but none in the house.
3) No pretending. I am who I am and if they don't like it then they are not meant to be a part of my life.
4) I need to let myself grab a coffee sometimes. Once a week I can go and get a soy chai during our class break.
5) I am going to start working out again.


Thats all I can think of right now, but I know there are more. I just have to change them as I go I guess.

I discovered all of this while picking apples yesterday. That sounds so silly I know, but I am in the car with two of my friends and Joan turns on country music. That simple little moment of actually being in a car(not a train) and listening to country music was so comforting. Yes you may laugh, but it's something I do at home and it was just nice to have that comfort. Smolak Farms reminded me so much of home. There was grass, houses, trees, just space. It was amazing to see it actually exists here. Apple cider, apple cider doughnuts, and a nice lunch were also a great topping to the day.

I met some very nice people that made me feel very comfortable. I think that was the best part to the whole day.

I know that people want me to start liking Boston. I want to start liking Boston too. But for now I like my school. I like the path I am creating for my life.

I like meeting people I feel I can trust.

I like still being me. And thats what I am going to work on keeping in my life. Its not easy, but I want to do it. Nope I need to.