Don't second guess your feelings, they are usually right from the start...I think

Well the semester is coming to an end, finally. Two more weeks of actual classes and then I am done. I have registered for my MTELS so I will start studying for that over the Christmas break (I will be looking for volunteers willing to help me study) . I have registered for my second semester classes, taking a design class that I am not sure what to think about it. Art has never been my forte so we will see. Taking another education class and then a teaching young actors class. I get to keep my job next semester too so that's really great. I like my job. I head to Connecticut this week to go spend Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle. I am so ready to get out of the city. I need to go be with family and just be. I need to let go of school stuff and city stuff and everything else and just let it go for a little while 

I have all of my Christmas shopping done. Maybe one small thing for the kids left, but other than that I am done. I know that sounds crazy since Thanksgiving hasn't even happened, but I already knew what I wanted to get for everyone so I just needed to get it out of the way. Plus, now I don't have to fight holiday shopping crowds. They tend to just make me mad and then I don't enjoy the shopping.

I am mad. Really mad at someone. I haven't told them yet, which for me means that I am now holding it inside only making it worse and getting even more irritated as time goes on. I don't want to be mad at this person, but I am and I don't know how to tell them. Don't know if I should tell them. When you are upset with family its always easy to tell them, because they are your family and they love you even when you get mad at each other, but when it comes to friends it seems to be more challenging sometimes. At least for me it can be.

I don't trust easily. And I don't care for people quickly. I tend to be pretty guarded.  Which some of the people close to me like to remind me of because I like to pretend that I am normal with no issues, but thats why I love them because they keep me grounded. But once I let you in and trust you I trust completely.  When you break that trust with me its hard for me (for anyone really) to find faith in you again. Not impossible, but challenging to say the least. 

This may sound so silly, because its just a friend. But isn't that what makes it hurt the most when you end a relationship. Its not the romantic side that you miss the most that you can always find again, but you miss your friend. In the best of the relationships that person isn't just your romantic interest, but also your friend. 

A friend of mine has hurt me. Nothing of romance, but of friendship. I want to tell this person. I want to scream at them and yell and say mean things to hurt them back, but I wont. Mainly I just want them to know they have hurt me. I don't even know if I am have a right to feel this way. Maybe I am being crazy about it, but I can't help it and this is how I feel. And if I listen to my own advise I would try to remember that they are my feelings so they can't be wrong, but what do I do with them now? Hold them in? Just let go of this friend? A friend I am clearly not ready to lose. Or do I tell them how I am feeling and just let it out and see what happens? Maybe I am not ready to tell this person I don't know, but I hope in the near future I can muster all the confidence I have and tell this person and hope that they will understand where I am coming from. And maybe they will be my friend again. Because I truly hate feeling like I have lost this friendship. Especially when I feel I need my friends the most. 

Re-reading all of this it sounds so foolish, but I can't help it. Feelings are feelings and it's my blog and I will write ridiculous things if I want to( in my mind I said that in similar phrasing to "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to," just FYI)